So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other wont budge on giving her blessing, you might say, Im going to start spending every Saturday morning with them, and then follow through on that action. I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. They hear something much different than you intended. Is it that?". Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy. And, you offer an example of how the principle might have attended to both. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. Instead, he offers to say, 'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means. I think Rosenberg is trying to disrupt the well-worn mental grooves that eventually lead to condemnation. How is New Dawn Works rated? Text. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." Your partner might say, Hmmm, thats an interesting way to do it, when they really mean, Youre doing it wrong. Or for example, you might say to your wife, And here you are finally, late as usual. Youre pretending to make a straightforward observation, but youre really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. After practicing NVC for decades, he still carried around a notebook where he would record his judgments, so that he could work on transforming them when he had a chance. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. We provide plugins and API to block forum spam, board spam, blog spam, web site spam with their spreading spam, abusing forms on web sites and other annoyances. Choose from Clean Talk stock illustrations from iStock. This is based on user satisfaction (60/100), press buzz (56/100), recent user trends (rising), and other relevant information on CleanTalk gathered from around the web. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but dont do so in a way thats specifically designed to punish your partner. There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. . New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. Find high-quality royalty-free vector images that you won't find anywhere else. I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. I am grateful for the food for thought supplied by your naming these concerns. Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. Talking about needs which are understandable to and valued by all serves as the basis for talking about what matters to people, including what matters interpersonally (which traditionally was thought to require moralistic language to address it). ", (In your examples labeled NVC you mix text that seems to be of your own construction with text quoted from Rosenbergs book (NVC, p. 96). You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. Clean Talk Listen to Clean Talk To listen in your web browser, simply click on one of the links below. You suggest that Clean Talk recommends using Clean Talk only in specific situations, while Dr. Rosenberg seems to recommend using NVC all the time. This doesnt match my reading of what Rosenberg says he says (p. 8) its applicable in a wide variety of contexts, which is not the same as saying one should use it all the time.. Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this.". Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. No Captcha, no questions, no counting animals, no puzzles, no math. Theyll also have a much clearer sense of how their performance contributed to you than they would if all they heard was You were great! And, this sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to be excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them. CleanTalk uses protection methods which are invisible for Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? You write "Imagine having a conversation with someone without making any judgments. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. I'm feeling irritated, wanting logic that I can make sense of, especially when I hear that logic coupled to words I interpret as suggesting the violation of values I hold dear. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. Regarding the differences in popularity, aside from any differences in the merits of the practices, I'll note that Rosenberg spent decades living out of a suitcase, traveling the world, sharing NVC with anyone who would listen. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. I recommend to my NVC students that they not use the word need when attempting to speak using NVC, to help avoid this pitfall. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. They become your regular visitors. It can easily encourage precisely the sort of good/bad dichotomous thinking NVC means to transform. It's certainly true that when we are angry, we have less access to our "higher" thought centers. Real-Time Email Address Existence Validation to increase your conversion rate. We learn to communicate clearly and effectively. I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a "candid, substantive, and constructive . There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after youve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. You write 'the book's list of words describing actual feelings contains quite a few words that Clean Talk would consider to be judgments masquerading as feelings, including quite a few words ending in "ed": "aggravated," "alarmed," "annoyed," "brokenhearted," "disappointed," "disgusted," "exasperated", "shocked," and "tired," among others. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? Consider whether it would be helpful to name this as a useful option. I agree that some of the words you might find on some NVC feelings lists might include the potential to contribute to the speaker or the listener perceiving responsibility being outside the speaker, and that this is a concern. Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. The principle might have attended to both, thats an interesting way to do with why he offers the he. Without making any judgments state how they would benefit as a way fully! Interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts advice on the importance of being able to interrupt if... That has anything to do a phrase that i associate with NVC judgments, thoughts and. 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021, but youre really in... Makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our.. 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